I blamed my body for all my problems.
Sometimes I felt a deep sense of emptiness, a hole, and it was a relief to pin that discomfort on something tangible.
THAT’S what’s wrong with me. I don’t have abs.
All these inner conversations began small. A joke, an offhand comment, something my mum or dad said. I didn’t understand it at first, but the thoughts grew.
Eventually I arrived at:
Looks = worth.
Therefore not feeling good enough = my looks are not good enough.
Life didn’t skimp on dispensing situations that made me feel not good enough.
Relationships, lack of relationships, school, work, money, family.
It was difficult to face them.
So I chose to believe a story that was more comforting:
Once I’m thinner, it will be OK. I’ll feel much better when I can fit into my Wrangler jeans again.
This narrative was unpredictable and controlling. Painful to live through but familiar at the same time.
It’s a story for another day, but today I simply I want to say this:
It’s never about your body. There’s never anything wrong with it.
Even if you’re sick, out of balance, still your body isn’t wrong.
We all have problems that we build our lives around avoiding, and in the pursuit of avoiding these problems some of us will find security in blaming our bodies instead.
This might work for a while but it won’t work forever.
Because one day we’ll wake up and say
Really? Is that why? Because I don’t have abs.